This may have slipped to the media a little earlier than we wanted, but we’re excited to announce our new product for helping students achieve their dreams (and avoid painful disease)!
Here’s the article published this morning in GNS:
PERRLA Goes BioTech
Che Grammara
GLOBAL NEWS SERVICE
Nashville – Responding to the rapidly growing number of PaPER sufferers, PERRLA, LLC announced today that they have developed a treatment for this troubling disease. PERRLA’s new 3D-printed finger extensions, marketed as CiteRight!, will enable students to type parentheses without straining to reach the top row of their keyboards.
PaPER, an acronym for Parenthetic Phalangeal Extender Restriction is a degenerative orthopedic condition closely related to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Like CTS, PaPER is a repetitive strain injury commonly found in people who write research papers. Students are required to provide parenthetical citations of their source material and it is the constant motion of reaching for the left and right parenthesis locatedon the “9” and “0” keys of a keyboard that leads to the severe strain of the ring and middle fingers of the right hand.
PERRLA’s Director of Development, Joseph Nixon, explains how CiteRight! works: “After slipping on the finger extensions, a student need only tilt the right hand slightly forward to depress the left or right parenthesis key in one smooth, easy motion. The kids seem to love it. In fact, students tell us that with CiteRight!, they actually look forward to citing References.”
Several orthopedic surgeons contacted for this article were quick to praise CiteRight!, stating that it provided immediate relief for their PaPER patients. In addition, Dr. Ron Weasley of Our Lady of Infinite Discipline Medical Center indicated that he expects PERRLA’s finger extensions to significantly reduce the risk of future PaPER outbreaks. “In my patients, the interphalangeal joints of both the digitus medius and the digitus annularis were restored to a healthy state in short order [with CiteRight!]. I believe PERRLA has, at long last, found a cure for this debilitating malady.”
Hand Mold Required
Because the finger extensions are custom-manufactured for each purchaser, the acquisition of CiteRight! results in the delivery of a hand-molding kit.
Great care is required when mixing the company’s proprietary molding compound. Step 27 of the instructions includes an ominous warning… “Mixing the chemicals with distilled water at a temperature other than 76.3 degrees Fahrenheit may cause the compound to spontaneously burst into flames during the hand-molding process. Caution is advised.” When contacted via email about the apparent volatility of the chemistry, PERRLA COO Cliff Batson replied, “We think it’s (most likely) not a significant problem. You shouldn’t worry too much about that. It only happened a few times during testing and, honestly, your chances of having your right hand encased in gelatinous flaming goo are slim to… well, I’d say slim-ish.”
Customers are required to pour the molding compound over their right hands while their fingers are resting comfortably on their keyboard’s Home Row keys. After 10 minutes, the hand can be carefully removed. Unfortunately, the molding compound bonds to plastic, destroying the customer’s keyboard. “Our customers tell us [the destruction of their keyboard] is a small price to pay to be rid of the incessant pain of PaPER.”, said Batson.
Once PERRLA receives a customer’s hand mold, critical measurements are taken and the finger extensions are printed with a state-of-the-art 3D printer. The scanning and printing process is expected to take 3 months “but slightly longer during football season”, according to the company’s special website for this product: http://www.citeright.com.
CiteRight! will soon be available online from Amazon.com, the Seattle-based retail giant. The product is expected to find its way into large college bookstores in time for the fall semester.
(As reported April 1, 2016)